Good morning,




Quote of the day:

“New York is a place where if you have talent, and believe in yourself and you can show people what you can do, then some day maybe - just maybe - you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.”

Dave Barry



Answer to the trivia question “What famous explorer was buried in the Mississippi River?”

Hernando DeSoto



Out at New Mexico State University a few days ago the cops were called about an indecent exposure incedent. A female student was on her way to a computer lab when she walked up on a man in a hallway masturbating while watching a middle-aged woman in the gym across the hall. The student was able to give the cops a detailled description but the cops are having trouble finding him. The student is a user of a Mac and her icons are confusing.



Out in El Paso, Texas the cops were called about yet another indecent exposure event. It seems that an off duty border patrol agent was riding down a rural road and pulled up beside a woman walking down the side of the road and asked her for directions. When the woman came over to the car she saw that the man had on no pants or underwear. This jackass was given a fine of $5,000. That seems a little steep until you realize that this was the agent's third offense. How can he still be a federal employee? Geez.



Down near Longwood, Florida in the Big Cypress Swamp state park the oldest cypress tree in existence caught fire and collapsed last week. This tree was about 1,500 years old when Christ was born. The loss of the tree was first thought to be arson but further investigation proved that it wasn't. It was a hell of a loss anyway.



Last week a man was walking around Lake Eola near Orlando, Florida. A black Austrailian swan charged him but he held his ground and grabbed the bird by the neck and decided to take that sucker to the house. A black Austrailian swan weighs at least 15 pounds and are very feisty. The man was carring the swan through the park when he saw a cop coming toward him and then he dropped the swan. The swan was not hurt but the man was arrested for cruelty to animals and grand theft. His bond was $1,000. What options did the man have when the swan charged?



A few days ago Calvin Broadus was arrested at the Sierra Blanca, Texas border crossing checkpoint. A dog detected marijuana in Calvin's tour bus. This is the same check point where Willie Nelson was busted for grass two years ago. Calvin was taken into a police station and then released. He has to meet with a local judge before January 25 to settle up. By the way Calvin Broadus' stage name is Snoop Dogg.



A few nights ago a cop in Boca Raton, Florida saw headlights tearing around on a construction site. He turned his spotlight on and saw two men in dune buggy. The driver ran through the briers and bushes trying to get away but ended up in a dog park where he surrendered. The driver reeked of Jack Daniels but swore he had only had two beers but was slurring his speech badly. He eventually agreed to a breathalyzer test and blew a .15...not good. He was arrested for DUI. By the way, the passenger was searched and two joints were found on him. He was arrested too. I am a little confused here. The dune buggy was never on a road or highway but the driver was arrested for DUI. Does that sound a little strange to y'all?.



This date in history January 20







1863 The dispirited US Army of the Potomac was still reeling from the terrible massacre of the Battle of Fredericksburg on December 13 where the US had 13,000 casualties and the CSA Army of Northern Virginia suffered only 5,000.The commanders at the Battle of Fredericksburg was US General Ambrose Burnside and CSA General Robert E. Lee. Burnside decided that the best way to re-install the morale of his army was to go on the offensive as soon as possible. After refitting and rearming, Burnside decided that the best course of action was to quickly swing around the left flank of Lee’s army. It had not rained for the whole month of January so Burnside’s army departed on dry roads but a sprinkle of rain began on the first day, then it became a deluge that lasted for four days. Needless to say, the quick movement of this Army was lost in the quagmires that once were dry roads. Any surprise of attack also was lost when this huge army bogged down to a crawl. At its worst the Army of the Potomac was moving at a speed of 1 ½ miles per day. To make things worse, many Confederate troops moved in and began shouting “Burnside is stuck in the mud” from a distance. Due to conflicting orders an entire Corp crossed in front of another entire Corp churning whatever passable roads that might have been there into a slippery stew. Burnside then did the honorable thing hoping to cheer up the men; he brought up barrels of whiskey and dished it out. I don’t need to tell y'all what happened next. That’s right, Burnsides ended up with literally hundreds of drunken US soldiers fighting, sometimes regiment against regiment, and wallowing around in the mud. Mercifully, Burnside called an end to this attack forever known as the “Mud March”. This debacle was so embarrassing to Lincoln that Burnside was relieved three days later.



1777 Earlier a troop of 500 British soldiers had captured Van Newt’s mill near Millstone, New Jersey and had set about stealing all the wheat flour and corn meal they could carry along with many head of cattle that they had also stolen on the way to the mill all to feed the British troops at New Brunswick. General George Washington divided his forces to harass the British between New Brunswick and Amboy, New Jersey. Patriot Brigadier General Philemon Dickenson leading 400 “raw” New Jersey militia and 50 Pennsylvania riflemen commanded by Captain Robert Durkee went to put a stop to this bullsh-t. They had a problem in that the British had set up an array of cannon guarding the bridge across Millstone River leading to the mill. The Patriots did the unexpected and waded across the icy waters and attacked the British from an unexpected direction and routed those redcoats. General Dickenson wrote a report to General Washington about this action and said “we captured 49 British soldiers, 107 horses, 49 wagons, 114 cattle, 70 sheep and 40 barrels of flour.” It was reported later that the British were seen loading 25 to 30 wounded soldiers onto wagons. The Patriots lost 5 men. What a great victory for our ancestors.



1974 Rae Carruth is born on this date in Sacramento, California. Some people may know who this man is and others will not so I will tell you. Carruth was a gifted athlete as a wide receiver in football. He played four years at the University of Colorado and was first team All-American his senior year. He was picked by the Carolina Panthers in the 1997 NFL draft and signed a contract for four years for $3.7 million. Carruth was hell on wheels from the git-go and was on the all-rookie team with 44 catches averaging 12.7 yards per catch. Then something happened to this millionaire. On November 15, 1999 he met his pregnant girlfriend Cherica Adams at a movie house in Charlotte, NC. Charlotte is the home of the Panthers. After the movie Rae and Cherica get into their separate cars and head for Cherica’s house with Rae in the lead. Along the way a car pulled up beside Cherica and a passenger in other car pumps four shots into Cherica’s car and sped off. Cherica was not killed and called 911 and mentioned that Rae is somehow involved in the shooting. When the paramedics arrived Rae is no where in sight. Cherica’s baby is delivered by emergency caesarian section and survived. Cherica is in critical condition but is rational enough to tell the police that when the other car had pulled along side, Rae had slowed to a crawl forcing her to slow and blocked an avenue of escape and after the shots were fired he sped off also. The shooter was captured and decided to squeal to get a lighter sentence. He said that Rae had contracted the shooting and soon after Rae was arrested for conspiracy. Nine days later Cherica died and Rae’s charges are changed to complicity to commit murder. This dumb-ass Rae had been on his cell phone the whole time telling the shooter where he and Cherica were and his cell phone records proved it. Rae was tried and convicted and sentenced to a minimum of 18 years and 11 months in prison. The reason he ordered the shooting was that he did not want to pay child support. I am without words at this point.



Born today:



1920 Italian filmmaker Federico Fellini. He said “All art is autobiographical. The pearl is the oyster’s autobiography.” What a great thought.



Died today:



1900 English critic John Ruskin. He said “There is hardly anything in this world that a man cannot make worse and sell a little cheaper.” I think I know this man,



1936 British monarch King George V. He said “Never pass up a chance to go to the bathroom.” I know whereof you speak, George.



1962 US writer Robinson Jeffers. He said “The heads of strong old age are beautiful beyond all grace of youth.” Hey Robbie, I have been telling women that until I am blue in the face.



1993 Belgium born actress Audrey Hepburn. Audrey had one of the most beautiful faces most people have ever seen and she said “I never thought I would get into pictures with a face like mine.” Audrey, it was my pleasure to have gazed upon your beauty.



Thanks for listening I can hardly wait until tomorrow